Saddest Day in History

Everyone who's followed any celebrity couple knows that if they unfollow each other on social media, it was over. It was a sacred 21st century tradition. Even the Lord of the Fly, a man as ancient as dinosaur shit, was aware.

Mike Pence was at home watching the news cover duck dynasty and dollar store Davie Crockett (KKK edition) storming the capital. His longtime boy toy, Donald Trump, wasn't answering his texts, even though Mike added an uwu at the end. Before he was about to throw his phone across the room, it rang. The caller ID read "Donut Daddy."

"Bby omg I'm freaking out right now why aren't you answering my texts???" Mike cried.

"Babe I'm busy, ok?" Donald groaned, "everyone gathered around the tv and I have to be straight with Melania ew."

Mike's face recoiled in disgust. "Ew women."

"She doesn't smell like you, Mikey," he said, "I love the way you smell, what do you use anyway?"

"Fish oil," Mike purred.

"I knew it. The left wing media was needlessly lying about you bigly. Disgusting!" Donald complained. "Frumpy and very dumb Gail Collins, an editorial writer for the New York Times, is so lucky to even have a job."

"I love it when you quote your own tweets, but I want to talk to you about something," Mike interrupted, "My phone is blowing up rn and everyone's telling me to take over, but I could never betray you, my prince!"

"And you won't have to, my love. I've already filmed a video telling these hot sexy patriots to go home, but to still fight this rigged election."

Mike was filled with rage!!!! "EXCUSE ME WHAT?!" He screamed.

Donald gasped when he realized the mistake he made. "Hold on, I didn't mean it like that!"

"You cheated on me with that whore Lindsey Graham! You know I'm still pissed about that wtf!!!!!!!! How dare you call other men sexy!?" The wounds were still fresh from the time Mike found Donald and Lindsey eating each other's faces in the Oval Office. Donald was so sweaty that his spray tan was dripping down his wrinkly face. Before Mike could tear the South Carolina senator a new one, Lindsey covered his face and scurried out of the room like a big New York rat.

"You're taking my words out of context, just like the fake news outlets and liberal media-" Donald sucked in his breath. He fucked up.

After a long silence, Mike sighed and said "Goodbye Donald."

To be continued...